Anger: To Control or To Learn

Many of us will do anything to avoid another's anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread another's anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others.

Let's take a deeper look at what generates our anger and how we can learn from it rather than be at the mercy of it.

The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and the planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action ? to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, and so on. Outrage comes from a principled place within, a place of integrity, caring and compassion.

Anger can also come from a fearful adolescent place within ? from the part of us that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and feels intensely frustrated in the face of these feelings. This part of us fears failure, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes. When these fearful feelings are activated, this adolescent part, not wanting to feel helpless, may move into attacking or blaming anger as a way to attempt to control a person or a situation. Blaming anger is always indicative of some way we are not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame another for our feelings in an attempt to intimidate another to change so that we will feel safe.

Blaming anger creates many problems in relationships. No one likes to be blamed for another's feelings. No one wants to be intimidated into taking responsibility for another's needs. Blaming anger may generate blaming anger or resistance in the other person, which results in a power struggle. Or, the person at the other end of blaming anger may give in, doing what the angry person wants, but there is always a consequence in the relationship. The compliant person may learn to dislike and fear the angry person and find ways to passively resist or to disengage from the relationship.

When blaming anger comes up, the healthy option is neither to dump it on another in an attempt to control them, nor to squash and repress it. The healthy option is to learn from it.

Our anger at another person or situation has much to teach us regarding personal responsibility for our own feelings and needs. As part of the Inner Bonding process that we teach (see our free course at www.innerbonding.com), we offer a three-part anger process that moves you out of feeling like a frustrated victim and into a sense of personal power.

The Anger Process

The Anger Process is a powerful way to release anger, as well as to learn from the source of the anger.

Releasing your anger will work only when your intent in releasing it is to learn about what you are doing that is causing your angry feelings. If you just want to use your anger to blame, control and justify your position, you will stay stuck in your anger. This three-part anger process moves you out of the victim-mode and into open-heartedness.

1. Imagine that the person you are angry at is sitting in front of you. Let your angry wounded child or adolescent self yell at him or her, saying in detail everything you wish you could actually say. Unleash your anger, pain and resentment until you have nothing more to say. You can scream and cry, pound a pillow, roll up a towel and beat the bed. (The reason you don't tell the person directly is because this kind of cathartic, no-holds-barred "anger dump" would be abusive to them.)

2. Now ask yourself who this person reminds you of in your past - your mother or father, a grandparent, a sibling? (It may be the same person. That is, you may be mad at your father now, and he is acting just like he did when you were little.) Now let your wounded self yell at the person from the past as thoroughly and energetically as in part one.

3. Finally, come back into the present and let your angry wounded self do the same thing with you expressing your anger, pain and resentment toward your adult self for your part in the situation or for treating yourself the way the people in parts one and two treated you. This brings the problem home to personal responsibility, opening the door to exploring your own behavior.

By doing the anger process instead of trying to control others with your anger, you de-escalate your frustration while learning about the real issue ? how you are not taking care of yourself in the face of whatever another is doing or in the face of a difficult situation.

Whenever anger comes up, you always have the choice to control or to learn.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

What You See is What You Get

H. Jackson Brown Jr. once wrote, Your mind can only hold one thought at a... Read More

12 Reasons to Develop Exceptional People Skills

Why should you bother to spend your valuable time learning how to develop exceptional people... Read More

Top Ways to Maximize Your Talents at Work

Are you maximizing your strengths and promoting your talents at work? If you have sharp... Read More

Is The Apprentice Bad For Your Health?

If you know who I mean when I say Kwame, Bill and Troy, you're probably... Read More

Still Wondering About Coaching?

A friend called me the other day from Lower Alabama. He has followed my career... Read More

Truth About Life Coaching School Accreditation

With life coaching becoming "the" career choice in this millennium, many of you are seeking... Read More

Is Coaching Everything That It Is Cracked Up To Be?

Personal or business coaching has helped thousands change their lives and achieve their goals. Yet,... Read More

Encourage Personality Testing

I was asked the other day : "Kate, is personality testing novelty, frivolity, or common... Read More

Negotiating Difficult Life Transitions

Life is a process of beginnings and endings. In both life and nature, there are... Read More

What is the Success Lesson in this Story?

One of my clients gave me permission to tell you his story.Jim called me 9... Read More

Learning To Recognize Your Ego

What is an ego? Well, in case you didn't know it, we all have one.... Read More

Are You A Work Addict?

Work addiction is very common in our society today, yet it is not one that... Read More

Being an Emotional Victim

None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to... Read More

Training is Not the Same Thing as Exercising

What it takes to GROW!In almost every workshop we deliver, we try to teach the... Read More

Do You Ever Give Up Coaching Employees?

In principle, we don't want to give up coaching employees. We want to believe that... Read More

How To Improve Your Selling Skills -- With Coaching Skills

But people love being coached. It's respectful and considerate of their needs. it helps them... Read More

Successful Implementation of Company Wide Coaching Programmes

Ten years ago I was fortunate enough to be heavily involved in the implementation of... Read More

Home For The Holidays

In my husband's family, family members send Christmas cards to other family members (parents to... Read More

Attitude is Contagious - Would Anybody Want Yours?

Are you using the Life Potential you have been given? Or are you just existing?We... Read More

We Are the Five People We Associate with Most

Last month I was invited to participate in a charity golf tournament in Las Vegas... Read More

Get Out What You Put In!

During a recent coaching session with Mark, I was briefly reminded of how it feels... Read More

Living In The Now

I hope you are sitting down as you read this! You cannot begin to work... Read More

Dealing Effectively with Midlife Issues

In this article we would like to help you explore the challenges and opportunities that... Read More

Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive... Read More

Free Advice From Albert Einstein

What If You Could Ask Anyone For Help?Have you ever noticed how sometimes you are... Read More

How to Optimize the Awesome Power of Thoughts and Imagination

Have you encountered a time when you were in a traffic jam and was running... Read More

Lovers Remorse

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 29, 2002A few months after my... Read More

Mindfulness and Multiple Intelligences: 8 Ways to Pay Attention

How are you smart?Let me count the ways.Harvard professor Howard Gardner was the first to... Read More

Whats in it for me if I Hire A Coach?

1. An unshakable foundation:Create and build your life from the ground up. A foundation built... Read More

Do You Dither in Your Job Search?

I looked up the definition of "to dither" before writing this article. It is to... Read More

Is Your Attitude Destroying Your Health?

A positive attitude may bring good health and success. If you have ever read any... Read More

Coaching: YOU Can Improve Your Organizations Performance

GOOD BUSINESS COACHING: Clearly, the right kind of coaching can alter a team's or an... Read More

Good, Good, Good, Good Intentions

I always do a lot of thinking about good intentions in December.It's not because I'm... Read More

How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer ? Part A for Attitude!

My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years I have counseled thousands of... Read More

A Simple Strategy for Managing ADD

As an ADD Coach, I usually begin my conversations with new and potential clients by... Read More

Kabbalah Coach: Love the One Youre With

IntroductionEvery one of us came to the planet to figure out how to experience love... Read More

Great Advice

It never ceases to amaze me that every time I give a speech, do a... Read More

Executive Coaching

The higher you climb the ladder in this organization, the less chance you have of... Read More

How to Coach Yourself!

Some people are not in a position to work with a coach right now. Some... Read More

Belief Management - The Missing Ingredient?

"Joan, I'm working so hard and I'm not getting anything done!" I have heard some... Read More

Growing On G.R.O.W ? A More Specific Coaching Model For Busy Managers

The effective coaching of employees by their line managers is fast becoming an expectation from... Read More

The X-factor

Would you agree that today most of us have the same set of opportunities and... Read More

Three Great Ways to Deal with Negative People

1. Do not believe everything you hear!With close friends and family it is not unusual... Read More

How to Tune In Your Brain & Feel Confident with People in Moments

One day when I was in school, many years ago, the school principal wandered into... Read More

Managing Your Perfectionism

What Is Perfectionism?This is the first of two newsletters that address perfectionism. In this issue,... Read More

Curbing the Public Nuisance (Part 1)

He's been around since the dawn of humanity. His profession is even older than the... Read More

Not Blind, Just No Vision

Helen Keller once remarked that there was one thing she knew of that was worse... Read More

Cause and Effect! Choose a Path

Three steps to your Personal Transformation:Awareness and PerceptionLaw of Cause and EffectLaw of AccumulationThese categories... Read More

Do you know WHAT MAKES ME MAD?? It makes me SO MAD I just want to...

Sound familiar? If you want to manage anger, the only way of doing so is... Read More

Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?

How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like,... Read More