Overcoming Your Nervousness About Talking to Women

Standing at the magazine rack thumbing through Cosmo, she has the most gorgeous face you've ever seen. Her hair is silky blond. Her skin looks so radiant and so incredibly soft. You would be on top of the world if you could pick her this girl up.

You feel the nervousness.

You know that even if you got your balls in gear and went for it, you wouldn't know what to say. You feel so nervous and fumbly that you would reject yourself if you were her. So you shy away from even approaching her in the first place.

Does this situation sound familiar? If so, keep reading.

The first thing for you to realize is that all guys get anxiety about approaching women. I know I certainly do.

But what separates you (and me) from the rest of the guys is...

What You Do About Your Fear

Most guys let fear paralyze them... not just about chicks, but about other things in their life like their career... which is why, unfortunately, most guys will never find the success that they want.

First, look at where your fear comes from. The problem is inside of you. It's not with the chicks.

If you're thinking about rejection, then that means you're making your approaches with a certain outcome in mind (I'm just guessing, but I think if you're like most guys, your goal is getting chicks attracted to you so that you can get laid).

Try this instead... approach without having any expectations. No goals.

Let me tell you about a problem I used to have. I'm inclined to be an introvert, as I discuss in my book "How to Become an Alpha Male."

So to overcome my shyness, I would force myself to chat up everybody, no matter who they were... hot girls, ugly girls, fat girls, old people, men, children, people walking dogs, etc.

I would talk about neutral topics with them, nothing to do with picking up chicks.

The net result from all of that was I became really good at approaching people.

After that, however, I made a mistake. I said to myself, "Since I'm so good at approaching people and have become an outgoing person, why am I wasting time talking to anyone other than hot babes?"

So then I limited the people I talked to... and my anxiety about talking to random women swept over me once again. It was as if I'd never had all that practice chatting up strangers in the first place.

At that point I realized it was because I was outcome-dependent. Because I had thoughts like "I'm going to try to lay this chick" in my mind... before I'd even opened my mouth to say "hi"... and so I would crash and burn. It sucked.

Here's something I want you to try. Whenever you go out, talk to three people, but do it just for practice. Don't do it for real.

Because it's just for practice, don't limit yourself to just talking to hot women. In general, I've found that elderly people (both males and females) and fat women are easy to talk to.

If it helps, set up a time limit for your practice interactions, like that you'll talk to the person for 30 seconds and then you'll get out of the conversation. (Say something like, "Well, I'm on my way to meeting a friend. Good chatting with you." And then walk away without making a big deal of it.)

Another trick a friend of mine told me was to think of something funny before you chat up a stranger. Tell yourself a joke as you're walking toward them and then laugh. That'll put you in a good mood when you talk to the person.

Once you've done your practices and feel warmed up, then you can chat up hot chicks. Again though, do it without having any sort of sex-related outcome in mind. For example, if a chick passes by you in a hallway, just say, "Hey, I need a quick female opinion on something." (Then ask about something that you genuinely want a female opinion on.)

Remember though: have no outcome in mind. So it doesn't matter if the chick responds rudely.

In fact, when you reach a point that you've chatted up lots of women, you'll find that eventually rude responses on their part mean nothing. You'll have an attitude of "ha, how original... I've had tons of women give me that exact same 'clever' rude comment."

I've been rejected hideously, time and time again. One chick screamed "Go away!" at me before I could even get out my initial sentence.

Another time I thought it was amusing when I approached a group of two girls, just for practice, and right after I said "hey," they both turned their backs on me in unison, as if they were synchronized dancers!

Another time a chick got some guy to try to start a fight with me just because I talked with her. I managed to get away without fighting, but I felt like a total chump afterwards.

But now I just look back on all of that and laugh.

So anyway, the point is that the more you approach, the more you'll reach a level where you notice that most people act in the same, predictable ways. It'll bore you rather than cause you anxiety.

Think of it as trying to build a house. You put down one brick at a time and cement it. Brick, cement. Brick, cement. It'll take a long time, but eventually, the walls will be up (which means you've finished the hard part).

To get a bit more psychological, there's really no such thing as "being nervous," like it's something genetic. You don't "get nervous," like it's some kind of flu virus that invades your body.

All feelings of nervousness come from within. You have a certain series of thought processes that you go through. You say things to yourself. (When you think thoughts like, "I would reject myself," it sets you up for failure!) You picture the chicks rejecting you. You feel tense in your body. And so on.

So what you can do to break this is to identify it for what it is.

Notice your negative thoughts and change them. Instead of thinking, "Oh my God, this chick is going to act snotty to me because I fumble my words"... think, "It's awesome that I'm making this approach, because if this chick rejects me, that means I've gotten her out of the way and I'm one step closer to finding my dream girl."

Notice where you feel tense in your body, and then let your muscles relax in those areas. For me, I feel tense in my jaw and face when I'm nervous. So when I relax my jaw and facial muscles, it alleviates a lot of my tension.

Finally, there's one more way to reduce anxiety that I got from Tony Robbins. Before you approach a woman, you visualize the situation as if it has already occurred and you've just been rejected by her.

But you know what? Even when you get rejected, that's a good thing, because at least you went for it. Every rejection brings you one step closer to success. Every rejection makes it that much easier to making conversation, since it desensitizes you to the whole thing.

So concentrate on how you'll feel afterwards and approach her as if the rejection has already occurred (and you feel happy for it), rather than focusing on what's going on before you've even made your approach.

I'll wrap it up for you by concluding with this advice:

1) Be social for the sake of being social. Nothing else.

2) Remember that the only way to get over your fear is by doing the thing you fear. The more you do it, the easier it gets, because your attitude about the experiences will become, "Been there, done that, it's no big deal."

John Alexander is author of How to Become an Alpha Male, a dating success guide for men. Find out more about how this guide can help you by visiting http://www.becomingalpha.com

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?

You've hung out in bars, you've answered the personals, you've maxed out the plastic trolling... Read More

Why Not Average Joe: Exploring Melanas Choice

Admit it. You snickered, rolled your eyes and laughed out loud as the group of... Read More

Gay Dating Tactics: Your First-Date Dos & Donts

IntroductionNothing gets the heart pumping quite like the nervous anticipation that goes along with going... Read More

How to Create A Romantic Dinner for Two on a Pontoon Boat

Before you pick up the phone to make reservations for that romantic dinner for two...STOP.... Read More

Im Looking for Mr. Right, Am I Too Picky?

Many of my clients that I coach are single and looking for that one perfect... Read More

7 Habits of Highly Successful Dating

1) Don't look at other womenWhile dating, focus your attention on your date and make... Read More

Meeting Other Singles By Doing Something You Love

Meet Other Singles by Doing Something You LoveHere's one the best ways I have found... Read More

10 Impressions on Online Dating

Are you a little uncomfortable with the idea of Internet dating? Have you thought about... Read More

What Appeals To Women About Badboys

What is it about the attraction of Bad Boys?A lot of women have said they... Read More

How to Be a Great First Date

Okay, you've scored a date with a sexy somebody for Saturday night, and you're terrified... Read More

How to Get a Date

Step #1- The first impression. Before you approach a girl or women, you need to... Read More

Help! Im Single for the First Time in Years!

You're back on the dating scene. But you're worried as it's been a long time... Read More

Why Do So Many People Date Online?

Once upon a time, online dating was a last resort, a joke of sorts for... Read More

What is Confident Rapport?

The majority of theories on how to pick up girls were compiled by guys who... Read More

Latin Dating - Beauty and Romance

Like any other society, Latin culture is one that is embedded with traditions, values and... Read More

10 Keys to Getting Along With Single Women For Successful Dating, Seduction

1. When with a woman on a date, under no circumstances whatsoever, look at and... Read More

Meeting Your Online Date in Safety

Here are some common sense safety tips for meeting your online date in person. Your... Read More

Are You Considering Online Dating?

Jody's quest in finding a suitable partner for marriage seemed impossible. She found the singles... Read More

Building Self Confidence

The building of self-confidence is not difficult, but it requires patience and intelligent effort. There... Read More

Lonely Expats Looking for Valentines Love

Being an expat in a foreign country where you don't speak the language is hard... Read More

Dating Dilemma: The Man Who Said Hed Call and Didnt

You went out with the guy. You both had a great time (or at least... Read More

Your Online Personal Ad- Write For Success!

Where are all the good men/women? You go to parties, sign up for various activities... Read More

The Perfect Person

"When you truly look for me, You will find me." KabirWe all want love. Then,... Read More

Internet Dating Tips for Beginners

There are lots of Internet dating sites available. Some are completely free and others are... Read More

How to Overcome The Fear of Rejection

Feeling uncomfortable in the stomach, cold sweaty palm, trembling of legs, losing the ability to... Read More

10 Reasons to Use Online Dating Sites

There are many more reasons than just ten that I would like to mention, but... Read More

No More Desperation Dating

When you think about what you find attractive in a person, what comes to mind?... Read More

Online Dating, Why Not?

So, you're looking to meet that "special someone". You have tried the bars, blind dates,... Read More

Got Attitude?

Probably you do have attitude, but what is it? Jaded, self-protective? Frightened? Is "scared to... Read More

Revealed: What Women Want When It Comes to a Guys Looks

As part of my research for a guide to style, I put together a focus... Read More

Compliments - A Very Powerful Dating Tool!

Giving a compliment can be a very powerful tool when dating women. Of course, too... Read More

Unlock Your Inner Diva for Dating Success

There's something sexy about a powerful, take-charge woman who knows what she wants and how... Read More

Online Dating: 4 Dating Mistakes You Must Avoid

Did you catch the dating mistakes made during episode one of ABC's Hooking Up documentary... Read More

How to Tell if a Single Woman is Really Interested in You

It's very important to learn how a single woman acts, speaks, and uses body language... Read More

The Five Worst Date Places

Food in teeth, nausea, childhood stories and exposing your pot belly are all things you... Read More

The Traditional Jewish Dating

In as much as they want to preserve the moral and ethical values of each... Read More

If You Really Need A Dating Quiz, Maybe You Shouldnt Be Dating

Q. My boyfriend failed a dating quiz. Should I dump him?A. If you're the type... Read More

3 Easy Steps To Online Dating Success

We all know that online dating will help you to make new friends and meet... Read More

Dating Sites Are Bringing Millions Of Singles Together For Quality Online Relationships

It's amazing how dating sites are helping over a million single men and women establish... Read More

Married and Unhappy ...

Married women need to feel Love and Married men need to be desired by their... Read More

Top 10 Photo Blunders

The following no-nonsense list was compiled from interviews with long-time online daters and the business... Read More

Who Says Online Datings Only For Losers?

I let that friend talk me into browsing some pictures on one of the more... Read More

Youve Been Dumped! Heres How to Get Over It

We've all been there. We've fallen in love with somebody who just didn't love us... Read More

Online Dating

The online dating world today can be a confusing place to be. As more people... Read More

Meeting Women: Surefire Spots To Get Dates

The first thing I want to do immediately is to give you a CONCRETE, STEP... Read More

5 Quick Ways to Find Your Next Date

Overwhelmed with family, school, work and volunteer obligations, woman are turning to online dating or... Read More

You Might Be A Stalker If....

Okay, so you wanted to know what your boyfriend or girlfriend was doing last night.... Read More

Is it Lust or Love -- How to Tell the Difference

Far too many people, both men and women alike, confuse lust for love. Physical attraction... Read More

Healing the Midlife Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live happily ever after. The End.Except... Read More

Reading People: Body Language Briefing

Body language is the meaning behind the words or the "unspoken" language. Surprisingly, studies show... Read More