Healing the Midlife Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live happily ever after. The End.

Except it wasn't that simple. At forty-something, I was hardly "on the shelf", but I was the veteran of two divorces. That gave rise to plenty of self doubt. It gave rise to another more sinister, subtle symptom too: I didn't trust the opposite sex not to hurt me again. And guess what? Since the women I was meeting were in a similar age bracket, and also veterans of some painful emotional history, their fears echoed mine. Result? An almost cast iron guarantee that love cannot flourish! You might as well scatter seed on concrete and expect a wheat field to flourish.

The internet is peppered with such walking wounded. Dating sites abound and literally tens of thousands of people from all over the computerised world are looking for love. Naturally, there are success stories with happy endings. But the vast majority are frustrated individuals. Join these sites for a while, (I did for 3 months and ended up staying for 3 years), and you will see the same faces come round again and again. They are not ugly or evil or dangerous people. They are ordinary people like you and me, and yet somehow love is just eluding them.

Why?

To answer that you have to first ask yourself why anyone wants a relationship in the first place. The answer is not obvious, but it is simple. In just about every generation up to about the 1950's, people got into relationships because it was inevitable. Sooner or later, procreation was going to take place, and pregnancy meant the mothers needed economic support which was, of course, provided by the fathers. Roles were clear, nature played a big part. Whether relationships were "happy" or the couple were "in love" were secondary considerations. The relationship itself was primary, and at all costs was made to survive until death did them part. Add in social and religious pressures, and no wonder our grandparents and all of their forbears stayed together for life.

Nowadays we have a completely different agenda. It boils down to this: we will only stay in a relationship, or even enter into one, if it feels better than not doing so.

In other words, relationships have to make us happy or we're out.

That's a big agenda, but the biggest problem with it isn't its size; it's that it goes unacknowledged. Society, from government to the church to our neighbours, tends towards the old values and we still measure ourselves by them. We still consider ourselves to have failed if we break up a relationship, or worse, if we are the one who is jilted. This, in spite of the fact that we don't bat an eyelid if our friends change career, move house or emigrate no matter how many times they do it. But change partners? There's something wrong with you!

The fact remains, though, that broken relationships lead to broken hearts, and broken hearts hurt. Pain leads to fear, and fear leads to either a total giving up, or an attempt to half commit ? with resulting unsatisfactory relationships all round.

So what's the antidote?

Two things, really. First, love yourself. If you can feel good about the person you're guaranteed to wake up with every day of your life, no one can hurt you, because that's your inner strength. It wouldn't matter how many times someone told Arnold Schwarzenegger he was a weakling, would it? He would always know that wasn't true.

Secondly, get clear, really clear, about what you want. And then be honest about that. Do you really want to be with someone with young children? Do you mind if the lovely person you've just met has an almost zero libido? Or an insatiable one?

Also be flexible with yourself about this. Your wants and needs are going to change. They won't be the same three months after the end of a relationship as they will be when three years have elapsed. So you have to learn to listen to your inner self, and not only hear it, but trust it and act on its advice!

What this amounts to actually reduces to an amazing and simple formula for finding and keeping true love. Want to know what it is?

Get to know, like and love the person you spend every day with. (For full details of who that is, check your nearest mirror!)

That's it! That way, you'll have bundles of love to give away, you'll be a joy to be around, (which makes you irresistibly attractive), and during those times when you find yourself alone, you'll be delighted to have your company for a while.

After all, who wouldn't?

Trevor Emdon is a senior Mental Health & NLP practitioner who graduated from Anthony Robbins' Mastery University in 1999 with full honors. He trained in metaphysics with Gill Edwards. His latest book, "How to Love Again After Your Heart's Been Broken" is now published and is available now from http://www.lulu.com/content/111153. He will be running workshops on the subject in spring 2005 He can be contacted at tremailwiz-offers@yahoo.co.uk.

Internet Dating for Men

Over the past several years online dating has become very popular. Many men try this... Read More

5 Mistakes Men Make On The First Date

The number one mistake made by men on the first date is trying to buy... Read More

Tips For Becoming Fluent In The Non-Verbal Language Of Dating

We are all too familiar with the term "body language". There have been ... Read More

It Pays For Single Christians To Date Other Like-Minded People

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's greatest challenges.Afterall, forever is a... Read More

What is Confident Rapport?

The majority of theories on how to pick up girls were compiled by guys who... Read More

The Train Is Coming

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes... Read More

Single Women Are Hot

Just when businesses and advertisers think they have women all figured out enters a new... Read More

Getting The Most From A Romantic Relationship

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a couple has for a happy... Read More

Choosing an Online Dating Service

The task of choosing the best dating site to join can seem daunting at first... Read More

Great Dating Advice: 7 Universal Laws for Singles

The Law of the Right PersonWhile most of us put our focus on finding the... Read More

COMING SOON??Online Attractions

In my attempts to find the love of my life, I knew that they were... Read More

Online Dating Beginners Quiz

Free dating online-you've heard about it, you've read about it, maybe you even have a... Read More

Gay, Single, & Loving It!

Introduction We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in... Read More

Why Online Dating is So Tough For Men

Online dating has become increasingly popular over the past several years. Every year millions of... Read More

How to Be a Great First Date

Okay, you've scored a date with a sexy somebody for Saturday night, and you're terrified... Read More

Got a Blind Date Right Around the Corner?

Got a case of the blind date? Oh yes we know how you feel. Your... Read More

Dos and Donts for Men on Dating Sites

Men, learn how to behave on dating and personals sites.Being a man and also being... Read More

Mens Guide To Online Dating Success. Secret Seduction Tips Revealed!

Looking To Meet Women? Craving Female Company?Well, you've come to the right place! The internet... Read More

Long Distance Dating: Romantic or Frantic?

It sounds like something out of a fairy tale. She's in Los Angeles: he's in... Read More

Online Dating: How I Met My Mate

Do you think online dating is only for the young and the foolish? Not true!... Read More

10 Impressions on Online Dating

Are you a little uncomfortable with the idea of Internet dating? Have you thought about... Read More

Look Your Best With Some First Date Grooming Tips

So the big night is quickly approaching, your first big date with the cutie you... Read More

How To Write A Successful Personal Ad

No one would know how good you are if you would not let them know... Read More

Dating Tips for Matchmaking and Friend Finder Sites

Three years ago, I met my boyfriend Andy through the well known online dating agency... Read More

Mom Says

So, you're a member of every suitable on-line dating site, you hang out at all... Read More

Confessions of a Professional Matchmaker

Don't make these mistakes when searching for love online!"I spent my life searching for the... Read More

Overcoming Your Nervousness About Talking to Women

Standing at the magazine rack thumbing through Cosmo, she has the most gorgeous face you've... Read More

She Rejected You: Some Reasons Why It Happened & What You Can Do?

There is just something that makes women NOT get attracted to men who have lower... Read More

Self-Esteem

It begins with you, and your attitude. There are a lot of misconceptions about what... Read More

Why Settle?

When dating we all too often settle for someone that is not quite right. Why... Read More

Dating Tips: How to Get Yourself A Date

Well, if you didn't give that someone a bad impression of yourself, chances are, both... Read More

Impress Your Date: Proper Grooming Tips For Him

So you have scored the date, she has agreed to go out with you. Now... Read More

Adult Dating: Friend or Foe - Your Sex Life and the Internet!

There was a time when finding a date, partner, lover or playmate online was frowned... Read More

Free Dating - The Real Cost of Free Dating

Nearly every dating site on the internet claims to offer free dating. Running a quick... Read More

Dating a Non Christian

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?... Read More

Top Ten Ways to Get Yourself Ready for Dating

1) So what's it gonna be?Decide on your attitude ? a positive attitude can make... Read More

How to Carry Yourself With the Body Language of an Alpha Male

Watch Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or any other man with high status and you'll notice... Read More

A Dating Story From My Youth

One of my first "Big Dates" was a Cotillion dance in 8th grade...or was it... Read More

The Deal Breakers

Deal Breakers. Everyone's got them. You know: the instant turn-offs that can turn a romantic... Read More

Web Spinning

I've been toying around with this technique that I call "Web Spinning" for a while... Read More

The Dating Yourself Revelation

It's another Friday night and I'm bored as sin. There's nothing on cable, or television... Read More

Top 10 Photo Blunders

The following no-nonsense list was compiled from interviews with long-time online daters and the business... Read More

Online Dating Service! Is Matchmaking On The Internet Right For You?

Online dating service! Is it right for you? That would be the question if you're... Read More

So, How Big is Your Penis?

As a result of dating for decades and chatting with many singles of both sexes,... Read More

The Avenger v/s The Angel

I'm writing this for women and for men. I have to share this with you... Read More

Donald Trump and the Apprentice Rules Applied to Dating

I was reading an article about the Apprentice and some of the rules that Donald... Read More

The Right Dating Site For You

There are so many dating sites on the net these days. The secret is to... Read More

Seduction Secrets For Men - How To Make Your Dates Effective And Unforgettable

You are on the first date with a girl you have a crush on. Your... Read More

Saying What You Really Want To Say

Have you ever been talking to someone you are interested in dating and wished you... Read More

International Dating ? When Love Really Means Going the Distance!

In today's society, the world really is getting smaller. As we leap from one technological... Read More