Healing the Midlife Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live happily ever after. The End.

Except it wasn't that simple. At forty-something, I was hardly "on the shelf", but I was the veteran of two divorces. That gave rise to plenty of self doubt. It gave rise to another more sinister, subtle symptom too: I didn't trust the opposite sex not to hurt me again. And guess what? Since the women I was meeting were in a similar age bracket, and also veterans of some painful emotional history, their fears echoed mine. Result? An almost cast iron guarantee that love cannot flourish! You might as well scatter seed on concrete and expect a wheat field to flourish.

The internet is peppered with such walking wounded. Dating sites abound and literally tens of thousands of people from all over the computerised world are looking for love. Naturally, there are success stories with happy endings. But the vast majority are frustrated individuals. Join these sites for a while, (I did for 3 months and ended up staying for 3 years), and you will see the same faces come round again and again. They are not ugly or evil or dangerous people. They are ordinary people like you and me, and yet somehow love is just eluding them.

Why?

To answer that you have to first ask yourself why anyone wants a relationship in the first place. The answer is not obvious, but it is simple. In just about every generation up to about the 1950's, people got into relationships because it was inevitable. Sooner or later, procreation was going to take place, and pregnancy meant the mothers needed economic support which was, of course, provided by the fathers. Roles were clear, nature played a big part. Whether relationships were "happy" or the couple were "in love" were secondary considerations. The relationship itself was primary, and at all costs was made to survive until death did them part. Add in social and religious pressures, and no wonder our grandparents and all of their forbears stayed together for life.

Nowadays we have a completely different agenda. It boils down to this: we will only stay in a relationship, or even enter into one, if it feels better than not doing so.

In other words, relationships have to make us happy or we're out.

That's a big agenda, but the biggest problem with it isn't its size; it's that it goes unacknowledged. Society, from government to the church to our neighbours, tends towards the old values and we still measure ourselves by them. We still consider ourselves to have failed if we break up a relationship, or worse, if we are the one who is jilted. This, in spite of the fact that we don't bat an eyelid if our friends change career, move house or emigrate no matter how many times they do it. But change partners? There's something wrong with you!

The fact remains, though, that broken relationships lead to broken hearts, and broken hearts hurt. Pain leads to fear, and fear leads to either a total giving up, or an attempt to half commit ? with resulting unsatisfactory relationships all round.

So what's the antidote?

Two things, really. First, love yourself. If you can feel good about the person you're guaranteed to wake up with every day of your life, no one can hurt you, because that's your inner strength. It wouldn't matter how many times someone told Arnold Schwarzenegger he was a weakling, would it? He would always know that wasn't true.

Secondly, get clear, really clear, about what you want. And then be honest about that. Do you really want to be with someone with young children? Do you mind if the lovely person you've just met has an almost zero libido? Or an insatiable one?

Also be flexible with yourself about this. Your wants and needs are going to change. They won't be the same three months after the end of a relationship as they will be when three years have elapsed. So you have to learn to listen to your inner self, and not only hear it, but trust it and act on its advice!

What this amounts to actually reduces to an amazing and simple formula for finding and keeping true love. Want to know what it is?

Get to know, like and love the person you spend every day with. (For full details of who that is, check your nearest mirror!)

That's it! That way, you'll have bundles of love to give away, you'll be a joy to be around, (which makes you irresistibly attractive), and during those times when you find yourself alone, you'll be delighted to have your company for a while.

After all, who wouldn't?

Trevor Emdon is a senior Mental Health & NLP practitioner who graduated from Anthony Robbins' Mastery University in 1999 with full honors. He trained in metaphysics with Gill Edwards. His latest book, "How to Love Again After Your Heart's Been Broken" is now published and is available now from http://www.lulu.com/content/111153. He will be running workshops on the subject in spring 2005 He can be contacted at tremailwiz-offers@yahoo.co.uk.

What To Put On A Dating Site Profile And What To Leave Out

Your dating site profile is the most important tool you have to find love online-and... Read More

Dos and Donts for Men on Dating Sites

Men, learn how to behave on dating and personals sites.Being a man and also being... Read More

How to Get a Girl to Like You

We've all had that special woman in our lives. You know... the one with the... Read More

Online Dating Tips ? Creating Personal Ads

Creating a personal ad for online dating services is not difficult, but how well you... Read More

8 Deadly Dating Mistakes To Avoid!

Are you dating or in a serious relationship? Did you realize that very often we... Read More

Does the Free Basic Membership Find You A Date?

When it comes to online dating many people think that by signing up for just... Read More

If You Really Need A Dating Quiz, Maybe You Shouldnt Be Dating

Q. My boyfriend failed a dating quiz. Should I dump him?A. If you're the type... Read More

The Dating Game

With all the websites on the Internet that offer a membership to meet and talk... Read More

The Law of Large Numbers

It is often said that sales is a numbers game. The more people we contact,... Read More

Does Online Dating Work?

Dating Online is currently the Internets biggest craze, and its here to stay! But does... Read More

Dating On-line in Safety

Dating online can be great fun, stimulating and exciting. So let's first get it into... Read More

Best Places to go on a Date

Does the waiter know how you like your steak, and more about your love life... Read More

e-Matchmaking: Can a Computer Program Find Love For You?

I logged on to a dating site the other day and was greeted by a... Read More

Gay, Single, & Loving It!

Introduction We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in... Read More

Online Dating - Top Tips for Success!

A few months ago I became single again after a long-term relationship, and decided to... Read More

1000 Proof Liquor

Each and every woman is an actress in their own way, and many of the... Read More

Dating While Seeking GOD- A Road Less Traveled

Why is it when it comes to dating that we go from one relationship right... Read More

Online Dating for Beginners

There are many online dating sites, all of them require you to be at least... Read More

Christian Singles and Meet Christian Singles

Christian singles are plentiful no matter what age you are looking for and how much... Read More

What Appeals To Women About Badboys

What is it about the attraction of Bad Boys?A lot of women have said they... Read More

Dating Tool: Confidence 101

I'm over it. "There's plenty of fish in the sea," they say. Well, apparently I... Read More

Selecting an Online Dating Site

So you are thinking of giving online dating a try yourself. Here are some tips... Read More

Top 10 reasons to Find a Date Online

I'm often surprised by the number of people who are unsure if online dating is... Read More

Dating On The Internet Is Growing! See How Online Dating Can Help You Find Available Singles Today

Dating on the Internet is growing rapidly year after year, because it has become very... Read More

Want To Be A Success In Dating? Use Your 5 Senses

How often do girls on the street smile to you, pay to you attention? Sometimes?... Read More

Dating Service Tools for Individuals Seeking Singles Online for Fun, Friendship and Marriage

If you're wondering what it means by dating service and dating tools available, read further... Read More

No More Desperation Dating

When you think about what you find attractive in a person, what comes to mind?... Read More

Great Tips For A Safe Online Dating Experience

Dating can be scary no matter how or where you meet. Maybe he hasn't shaved... Read More

A Nice Guys Guide to Dating Success

Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever had the experience of liking a... Read More

Mens Guide To Online Dating Success. Secret Seduction Tips Revealed!

Looking To Meet Women? Craving Female Company?Well, you've come to the right place! The internet... Read More

Why Date Someone You Wouldnt Have As Your Friend?

Sometimes in dating we so often settle for people that we would not normally have... Read More

5 Mistakes Men Make On The First Date

The number one mistake made by men on the first date is trying to buy... Read More

?Dating Again? Redefined

Define dating again as The Joy Of Dating Again. It is all about rediscovering ourselves,... Read More

Dating Tips: The First Impression Matters

Ever had a love at first sight encounter? Totally captured by her beauty the first... Read More

Gay Dating Tactics: Your First-Date Dos & Donts

IntroductionNothing gets the heart pumping quite like the nervous anticipation that goes along with going... Read More

5 Quick Ways to Find Your Next Date

Overwhelmed with family, school, work and volunteer obligations, woman are turning to online dating or... Read More

Body Language

Next to your internal mindset (which should be relaxed, confident, and sexual), body language is... Read More

Immigration and Clear Thinking

I get a lot of "reader comments" on the issues I choose to write about.... Read More

Defining a Relationship

How does one know when a relationship is really a relationship? Very good question for... Read More

3 Easy Steps To Online Dating Success

We all know that online dating will help you to make new friends and meet... Read More

Great Dating Advice: 7 Universal Laws for Singles

The Law of the Right PersonWhile most of us put our focus on finding the... Read More

Im Looking for Mr. Right, Am I Too Picky?

Many of my clients that I coach are single and looking for that one perfect... Read More

Do You Desire Love and Marriage? How Should You Prepare Yourself?

The rate of new love and marriages is rising as fast as the divorce rate.... Read More

Unlock Your Inner Diva for Dating Success

There's something sexy about a powerful, take-charge woman who knows what she wants and how... Read More

The Perfect Person

"When you truly look for me, You will find me." KabirWe all want love. Then,... Read More

Conversation Starters Can Save Your First Date

Conversation starters can literally save your life on a first date.Why?Well, as you know, going... Read More

Dont Procrastinate when It Comes to Meeting Single Women

Has this ever happened to you? You're at a bar or nightclub and you see... Read More

Attract the Love of Your Life

Have you heard about the technique Olympic athletes use to help them win gold medals?In... Read More

Web Cams: Windows on the World

The webcam has brought a truly amazing variety of experience to the desktop user giving... Read More

What are Seduction Lairs?

Are you familiar with Seduction Lairs and how to use them to your advantage?They are... Read More